I just moved here from Xanga. I was only over there for about 7 months and got tired of the whole feel over there... and so few people actually being around. This way I am totally blind to a community and thus don't feel so depressed by the lack of visits. Yeah ok how pitiful.
I was Born in Kansas City But live nearly all my life in Springfield Missouri, AND I am a fifth generation Springfield resident. In fact I am in the house that my Great Grandparents had built for my Grandparents. That WILL be changing soon however as we will be moving from springfield this next year (2012), so that my mate Kris can go to grad school.
My Father was a mix of Lakota Sioux (American Indian) and Irish. My Mother was Norwegian, Irish and Mni Wakan (American Indian). I was raised white American society obviously being in Springfield (2nd whitest city in the US as of 2010), but with American Indian values at home. This means I put a lot of emphasis on community (friends, family, neighbors, and so forth) then most people. American Indians traditionally prioritize differently from the average American, what I mean by that is, we put Community first, family second, our selves last. In White America it is exactly opposite, worry about yourself first, your family second. Your community? Well, If you really think about it then sure, most don't really think about it though.
I was also raised Catholic, to believe in god and worship and fear him. I did so whole heartedly believe at one time that I was an alter boy, and I even thought about the priest hood. Thankfully I was cured of that. Through a series of faith questioning moments in life, I left the faith, and went to native spirituality and through a series of faith questioning moments in life, left that too.
So my series of faith questioning moments in life, what s that about? Lets see the very first thing that caused me to question my faith was a lie. Yep a lie, I lied to a nun at school. Holy Hannah a nun, you say? Yep a nun, the most respected females of god, married to Christ and the surrogate mother (sort of) of all children in catholic school. I lied bold face straight out and lied, and she accepted it. I waited, and waited.... And Waited, But god didn't smite me. Wow I thought, if I could lie to a nun, who was next to a priest , who was so much closer to god than I. Well I wondered... WHAT ELSE CAN I GET AWAY WITH!!! Well obviously this vexed me on some level as Lying is a COMMANDMENT that you CANT break. You know <Big Booming Voice>
THOU SHALT NOT LIE!!!Well I went to confession got that sucker right off my chest, I didnt tell the priest who I lied to but just that I had. I was absolved and BOOM Get out of jail free, (Whew) that's over, I thankfully said my penance and went on.
But it still itched in the back of my mind, and I thought a lot about it it. I mean this was a major Commandment for Pete's sake, and to a NUN!!! it wasn't for some time that i had another serious issue hit but it came. In the summer of 1983 ( I was 12), My cousin came to visit, NOT just any cousin, my most favoritist cousin in the whole world, we were like peas in a pod growing up. But NOT this time, No. He came to my house with the Devil's Music.... ACDC (***SHRIEK*** OMG). He was Blasting out of a boom box (yeah total 80's reference).
GONG --- GONG --- OMINOUS GUITAR ---
Hell Bells starts
(Christian Faints from the Blasphemy).
OK so I didn't Faint BUT, My heart pounded and my head grew light, my vision blurred, how could my god fearing cousin be listening to this, this, SATAN WORSHIP JUNK???? Well needless to say when my cousin left at the end of the summer, I to was a Satan worship music listener. I had discovered the important issue about it. Well, the important issue about heavy metal music is... ITS MUSIC... its not Satan trying to dig his ever so share and vile claws into your head its music. But it did make me question my faith, NOT because of the ominous words subliminally repeating Kill your Father, Kill your father... No it was the sheer fact that the Priests and Nuns had LIED to me!!! Whoa, yeah that was the realization they lied, and god didn't turn the whole church into a burned out crater of DOOM... So this led me back to my lie to the nun and then wondering...
"What Else did they lie about"
The next thing was my Grandfathers death. Now you have to understand, My grandfather had adopted my mother, because he and grandma could not have kids. I don't know why never asked, never really cared. But my grandfather was to me the GREATEST man on the face of the earth. I tried to model myself after him, and FAILED miserably, but nonetheless he was awesome. He spent EVERY Sunday in church, and even in retirement maintain his tithe to the church. Every Sunday he had an envelop for the collection plate, and one for the prayer box. He never to my knowledge said a curse word, least not in my presence. He was the epitome of Christendom to me.
Then he got sick... Not just sick, He got Cancer, BAD CANCER.
I saw whim the night he died, he was riddle with open ulcerated sores all over his body, he was breathing on like half a lung, and ashen, Oh man was he ashen. I started to cry, but he stopped me. Even then he thought of others, he told me he didn't want me to cry, that my mom was going to need my strength and to promise him I wouldn't cry. I did, and I didn't, not till many many days later. So how did this make me question god?
Well I should think it obvious, but... Why? Why would god, a loving god, a caring and thoughtful god, take such and amazing man, in such a HORRIBLE way? The nun I talked to at school said "Maybe your grandfather had something he had to atone for from earlier in his life"
That was it within a year I was no longer going to catholic school or church. I was seeking and wondering how to find god. I never did. I thought I had a couple times and tried real hard to believe. But just could not do it.
This is how I came to be here a Mid-West Atheist...