Wednesday, May 11, 2011

So I had a sudden realization of something serious

Last night my daughter and I had an argument after she threw a bit of a fit when asked to do something. I wanted to know why she was acting this way what thought she had while throwing the fit. I was asking her if she was mad at me.

Let me back track here a bit.

I came from an abusive home my father, typical to to some strict religious followers (the whole spare the rod crowd), firmly believed in capital punishment, and then some. He totally controlled our (my brother and I) lives and was very hard on us. One time, for example, when I was about 8, I received a spanking that was so severe it bruised my kidneys and caused me to have blood in my urine. So I was determined NOT to do this to my children.

Well unfortunately, I didn't know how to be any different really, so when my daughter was born I spanked lightly at first, but as she got older, my punishments got a little more severe, and one day I went to spank her and realized I hit her ENTIRELY to hard. that was the LAST time I spanked her. but unfortunately it caused her to be a little frightened of me AND caused her to have some resentment toward me. We are in counseling for this so she can deal with it, and I have FULL out apologized to her and trying to make up for it.

So here we are and we come to the fit she threw. I wanted to know why and asked her if she was mad at me and thus acting out. She couldn't answer. In the course of the conversation I was letting her know that she has something I dont have. the person who abused her willing to make up for it and fix things. I am taking responsibility for doing what I did and she can have peace. I can't because my father is dead.

See, I confronted my dad and he NEVER saw the wrong in it. But even worse came the realization.

On July 14th 2009, my father killed himself, two years earlier on July 21st 2007, my mom died of Pancreatic cancer, and he could never adjust to being without her. BUT on top of that the support mechanism of family was broken to some degree. OH sure my brother worked tirelessly to talk to dad everyday. The relationship between my father and I, however, remained severly strained. In his suicide note he said flat out:

"I don't understand why Stephen is not son he should be, why he hates me so much. You be careful with him he will fight you for this"

At the end there he left everything to my brother and expected me to fight for possession of his things. This is linked to an earlier argument between my father and I after mom died. He thought I was wanting some of her possessions which was a complete misunderstanding on his part. I wanted nothing from them of her stuff OR his.

But what I Realized last night was the first part. My father actually blamed me for not being there for him and as such PART of the reason he killed himself. Holy shit, He blamed ME!!!!

I know flat out it was NOT my fault we could never get peace between us. But it has left two major issues.

1. OF course I will never have closure to my issues with my father

2. My brother blames me too.

I know My brother blames me as he has done almost nothing to keep in contact with me since dads death. I call him most of the time to initiate the conversation.  our relationship, however, remains strained to this day. But I hadn't known it, not for sure, until last night. I tried calling my brother today but so far no reply. I wonder if it will ever be fixed with us.

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